Atlantic: How the 'Having It All' Debate Has Changed Over the Last 30 Years
A new grandmother catches a glimpse of what parenting looks like today.
Deborah Fallows spent two weeks with her infant grandson and that caused her to reflect on her own life as a woman trying to navigate what it meant to "have it all."
... I spent lots and lots of at-home time raising kids some 30 years ago. That was during the very first wave of honest discussion of home vs. work. I planted my stake then with an article in The Washington Monthly called "Mothers and Other Strangers," which was bannered on the cover as "The Myth of the Superwoman," followed by a book, A Mother's Work. I argued that raising children full-time was a legitimate choice, not a capitulation to falling short or failure, and that no matter which road women took, there would be costs to pay. (And yes, yes, I did talk about the luxury of having a choice.)
From my book in 1985:
My desires and feelings about the way I should raise children and be a mother suddenly seemed to place me at sharp, and unnecessary, odds with the women's movement, whose campaigns to offer women the chance for stronger and more independent lives were, along with the civil rights movements, the most important social developments of my lifetime. I thought of the women's movement as my friend, and still do; yet its positions on motherhood and child rearing made it seem as if I would be failing the movement if I took the steps I thought necessary to care for my children.
A torrent of response followed. The mailman delivered bins and bins of typed or handwritten heartfelt letters, an image that now rings as quaint compared with the barrage of easy, instant digital responses. I was embraced or vilified, quietly and publicly, more or less equally, by both sides....
... But it also seems to me that the emphasis has changed. It used to focus more on "What does this mean to the kids?" and now it is, "What does this mean to women's careers?" ...
... So, that history established, you can imagine that I was very interested to time-travel and try out modern life with children. Here's what I learned, in three parts: the sociologically interesting, the surprising, and the highly improved.
Dads. I should have seen this one coming. There was no missing the appearance of more young dads with kids at the playgrounds, in the grocery stores, on mid-day outings, or the announcements of paternal leave and dads' support groups over the last generation. But old habits die hard, and when I was laying in supplies for the baby visit, I unthinkingly asked our son to ask our daughter-in-law what size diapers and what kind of bottles I should get. Without missing a beat, he replied, "Size 3 Pampers Swaddlers and Medela bottles."
My first reaction was: a misstep by me. My second reaction was: He's a good dad. ...
Language. One of the things I love about my academic training in linguistics is that knowing about language often pops up as something useful or revealing. Here's what took me by surprise in this case as I strolled around our neighborhood: Moms and babysitters and nannies, who used to push strollers in pairs and chat between themselves, now push strollers alone and talk into mid-air. ...
Technology. A quick catalogue of support, gear, and technology for daily life with kids. ...
... The accumulation of changes is staggering. I found that once I had mastered the array of snaps, levers, buttons, straps, and assembly routines, the total effect made for a much easier and more versatile texture of everyday life with children. My personal favorite is improved diaper effectiveness. I can imagine how digital resources, which have transformed my adult life, would transform life as a parent.
Two final lessons learned. The first was trivial but fun: I didn't need to worry about missing the gym classes. Tending a one-year-old is a total-body workout and bonus weight-loss program. It builds strong biceps and quads, and it melts away 2 pounds per week. Guaranteed.
The second was delightful: Occasionally in life, the chance to experience something essential and exquisite comes along. For me, this time with Jack was one of them. Time stopped and everything else was eclipsed.
Any grandparents that can relate to her story? What changes do you see?
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